School Of Schlock

By the gods, it's time to watch a film based on mythology! There are so many fascinating myths and intriguing characters that surely a film based on myth has to be interesting...or at least watchable, right? Well this week Tom and Ryan endure a film that puts the lie to that assumption, as they chat about sword-and-sandal epics, intense misogyny, and very Italian films stars like Gordon Mitchell. Put on a lizard costume and listen to our review of Vulcan, Son of Jupiter! Time stamps: 0:04:25 - Background 0:22:26 - Film Summary 0:36:30 - The Good 0:44:48 - The Bad 0:56:16 - The Ugly 1:11:40 - Improvements

There are a small handful of B movies that can claim a real cult following and true cinematic infamy. Perhaps the greatest and worst of all of these is none other than Plan 9 From Outer Space. Join Tom and Ryan as they discuss one of the most famously terrible movies of all time for their special 50th episode! You'll hear all about the future, the tragic end of Ed Wood, the future, beating off aliens, and the future! All this and more in our review of Plan 9 From Outer Space! Time stamps: 0:03:10 - Background 0:38:25 - Film Summary 1:08:25 - The Good 1:12:10 - The Bad 1:28:06 - The Ugly 1:32:04 - Improvements

As Indiana Jones could tell you, archaeological expeditions can easily go sideways. Who knows what you might unearth while you're exploring the ruins of ancient peoples? Join Tom and Ryan as they discover the dangers hidden in ancient tombs, learn the differences between pictographs and petroglyphs, and find out how a San Bernadino District Attorney ties into this mess. It's our review of Teenagers Battle the Thing! Time stamps: 0:04:30 - Film Summary 0:15:10 - Background 0:26:30 - The Good 0:30:50 - The Bad 0:43:20 - The Ugly 0:51:25 - Improvements  

It's another creature feature from the 50s, as well as another Bert I. Gordon joint, where a giant spider is on the loose! Can a high school science teacher and two obnoxious teens save this small town? We discuss the possibilities while also chatting about exterminators in a daycare, failing to empathize with your main characters, and which double-bill featuring this film would be the worst. Come out of your cave and listen to our review of Earth vs. The Spider!   Time stamps: 0:03:55 - Film Summary 0:24:48 - Background 0:42:09 - The Good 0:53:58 - The Bad 1:01:24 - The Ugly 1:12:48 - Improvements

Four scientists have crash on Mars and have to survive the barren alien landscape, but if you come to this film expecting The Martian, just click your heels three times and go home! We watch this plodding movie where nothing happens while discussing why nothing happens; we also talk about Martian lectures, a cabal of vending machine operators, and the use of this film as a safe, non-addictive sleeping aid. There's no place like home, and there truly is no movie quite like The Wizard of Mars!   Time stamps: 0:04:35 - Film Summary 0:13:20 - Background 0:28:23 - The Good & The Bad (Mostly the Bad) 0:46:35 - The Ugly 1:05:30 - Improvements

Adorable, furry parasites from parts unknown are out to conquer the human race via mind control, and Tom and Ryan have to watch this poorly-plotted piece of sci-fi dreck to find out how to stop them! Along the way they discover a missing group of scientists, find out how to make monsters out of pipe cleaners, and uncover a role played by a future titan of science fiction cinema. You don't need to spend forever searching for clues; just listen to our review of The Brain Eaters! Time stamps: 0:03:23 - Film Summary 0:31:05 - Background 0:51:58 - The Good 0:59:18 - The Bad 1:11:52 - The Ugly 1:27:10 - Improvements

If you grew up in the 1980s, you probably knew all about He-Man. But were you one of the lucky youths to experience the live-action movie from 1987? Whether you were or not, you should listen to Tom and Ryan discuss this sword-and-sorcery-comes-to-America adventure. Come learn all about this film's connections to the Rocky franchise, why its climactic fight scene was shot in the dark, and of course, what it means to move twenty metrons poleward. Play a little ditty on your Cosmic Key and listen to our review of Masters of the Universe! Time stamps: 0:04:10 - Film Summary 0:33:43 - Background 1:09:37 - The Good 1:15:23 - The Bad 1:24:15 - The Ugly

In the year 2889, if man is still alive, if woman can survive, they may find Tom and Ryan still suffering through this post-apocalyptic snoozer. Not even irradiated mutants can inject excitement into this film from the 1960s that features everything you'd expect: swimming pools, jugs of moonshine, and absolutely zero tension. You can also expect to find discussion about the all-important title of "schlockmeister," the right way to remake Roger Corman films, and the protection of child actors. So pour out the water, get yourself some fresh, raw meat, and settle in for our discussion of In the Year 2889!   Time stamps: 0:02:45 - Film Summary 0:27:48 - Background 0:50:55 - The Good 0:55:30 - The Bad 1:01:55 - The Ugly 1:16:33 - Improvements

If there are any constants in life, they are death, taxes, and bad movies based on video games. This episode doesn't focus much on death or taxes, but it definitely takes aim at this cheesy piece of 90s cinema that tried to capture the gaming crowd. Tom and Ryan wield the powers of Body and Soul as they talk about roided-up supermutants, The Big Quake of 2007, and the significance of Iron Chef America. As a special bonus, you also get to learn what faction Tom played back in his Warhammer 40,000 days. Plus our first comment from an international listener! You get all of this and some choice quotes from Andy Dick during our review of Double Dragon!   Time stamps: 0:04:04 - Film Summary 0:36:28 - Background 1:12:35 - The Good 1:19:20 - The Bad 1:27:58 - The Ugly 1:43:34 - Improvements 1:45:25 - Listener Comments  

Calling all luchadors! There are evil mummies on the loose in the Mexican town of Guanajuato, and only a veritable super-team of lucha libre stars can stop them! Join Tom, Ryan, and Jess as they grapple with this over-the-top piece of Mexican cinema "starring" El Santo. But don't be surprised if the discussion turns to such things as the Guanajuato tourism board, the best restaurants in Guadalupe, or a countdown of the many masks of Mil Mascaras. Get ready to suplex Satan in The Mummies of Guanajuato!   Time Stamps: 0:03:28 - Film Summary 0:29:05 - Background 0:41:57 - The Good 0:49:13 - The Bad 0:58:20 - The Ugly 1:09:25 - Improving the Film

Buck Rogers in the 25th century! If that's a phrase you recognize, then you're the target market for this 1953 recut of a bunch of 1930s sci-fi serials. Join Tom and Ryan as they watch Olympians, ponder round-trip flights to Saturn, and encounter the person who may be the most prolific actor in the history of Hollywood! So put down that Encyclopedia of Dirigible Accidents and enjoy this review of Planet Outlaws!   Time Stamps: 0:05:00 - Film Summary 0:21:35 - Background 0:43:20 - The Good 0:49:30 - The Bad 1:00:05 - The Ugly 1:16:20 - Improving the Film

When women a group of women are irradiated and have their DNA mixed with that of bees, what is it that they want? Apparently the answer is lots of sex! Join Tom and Ryan as they are subjected to a terrible softcore sci-fi film that prompts discussions about press conferences, bad lighting, and Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan. Try as you might, you won't soon forget Invasion of the Bee Girls! Episode Time Stamps: 0:03:39 - Plot Summary 0:33:35 - Background 0:55:05 - The Good 0:59:13 - The Bad 1:09:10 - The Ugly 1:31:03 - Improvements

The Corman Crew cranked out another face-meltingly poor horror film, and Tom and Ryan get to sit through it! Not even the trio of Jack Nicholson, Boris Karloff, and Francis Ford Coppola can save this snoozer of a ghost story that reads like a discarded early draft from Edgar Allen Poe. So give a listen as we talk about editing errors, the Jack Nicholson voice, and demonized femininity in The Terror!   Episode Time Stamps 0:02:25 - Film Summary 0:31:28 - Film Background 1:06:55 - The Good 1:15:20 - The Bad 1:27:23 - The Ugly 1:45:30 - Improving the Film 1:48:22 - Email

2017 was a tough year in many ways, but what was it like in the School of Schlock? From Bucket of Blood to Santa Claus, we take the list of films we watched this year and determine the worst of the worst, including Worst Character, Worst Moment or Line, Worst Visual. We also make final judgment on what was our Worst Films of the Year. This is the way to start 2018 off right! Happy New Year!   Episode Time Stamps 0:02:43 - Schlockys Explanation and Film List 0:06:04 - Schlocky Lifetime Achievement Award   0:09:30 - Worst Character    0:51:13 - Worst Moment or Line   1:34:10 - Worst Visual 1:52:08 - Best Moment   1:56:48 - Ten Worst Films of the Year

Ho ho ho! Santa has to fight the Devil for the souls of earth's children, but with a little Merlin magic and Santa's army of child laborers, Christmas just might be saved! Tom and Ryan take in this delightful, terrifying holiday romp, and along the way they tackle such Yuletide topics as Western views of Africa, using a traveling carnival to launch your film career, and what an alternate-reality version of Ryan might be like. So double-check your Christmas lists to ensure that you asked for a rocket, an atomic laboratory, and our review of the Mexican family classic, Santa Claus!   Episode Time Stamps 0:03:36 - Film Summary   0:39:58 - Film Background    0:54:25 - The Good 0:57:14 - The Bad 1:08:48 - The Ugly   1:21:30 - Improving the Film

What do you get if you take the director of the Poseidon Adventure, add in Sean Connery, Karl Malden, Henry Fonda, and Natalie Wood, and mix in some experienced screenwriters tackling one of the hottest genres of their time? The answer is: you get a big boring mess! Join Tom and Ryan as they talk about Oscar winning people, learn who was complimented by Charlie Chaplin, find out what happens when you decide not to go with John Williams as your composer, and get a lesson on what name might be said more frequently on Chinese college campuses than any other. All this and more as we review the 1979 disaster movie, Meteor!   Episode Time Stamps 0:04:30 - Film Summary   0:30:15 - Film Background    1:05:05 - The Good 1:12:55 - The Bad 1:23:55 - The Ugly   1:36:38 - Improving the Film

Fencing, fighting, torture, revenge, giants, monsters, chases, escapes, true love, miracles...no, we're not watching The Princess Bride this week, but instead a crappy 1960s fantasy that indulges the many tropes of fantasy films while also doing nothing with them! Join Tom and Ryan as they discuss fantasy-relevant topics such as Sherlock Holmes, "freak show" voyeurism, and terrible Irish accents. This podcast is hotter than the 4th curse (out of 7) as we discuss The Magic Sword!   Episode Time Stamps 0:02:37 - Film Summary   0:40:31 - Film Background    1:03:38 - The Good 1:08:30 - The Bad 1:22:02 - The Ugly   1:33:50 - Improving the Film

The horror-comedy genre has a long and storied tradition of pretty terrible films, but this might just stand head-and-shoulders above the rest! Listen to Tom and Ryan talk about such timely topics as the 1980 Olympics, the rescue of baby Jessica, and musical numbers on mini-golf courses! So get that submarine out of your stomach and listen to our review of Saturday the 14th Strikes Back!   Episode Time Stamps   0:02:30 - Film Summary   0:12:18 - Film Background    0:36:50 - The Good 0:45:14 - The Bad 1:01:55 - The Ugly   1:20:06 - Improving the Film

A mad scientist is hell-bent on making a woman beautiful again after a waffle iron accident leaves her mildly scarred. Tom and Ryan discuss all the ins and outs of this cheesy sci-fi horror flick, such as the ways in which all-engulfing flames can leave minor scars, the things that Billy Idol and this movie have in common, and the many mistreatments of women that can be packed into an hour and twenty minutes. Load up on Derma-28, because it's time to discuss Atom Age Vampire! Episode Time Stamps 0:03:10 - Film Summary 0:39:45 - Film Background 0:51:33 - The Good 1:01:40 - The Bad 1:13:45 - The Ugly 1:32:06 - Improving the Film

Tom and Ryan settle in to enjoy a Western film with plenty of dueling, the way it was meant to be done: with epees and machetes. They also get into the topics of "indentured servitude," dying for honor, and the prospect of JFK giving speeches about sugar. Hold tight to your flat, Midwestern accents, because it's time to enjoy the whitest creole culture you've ever seen in Duel on the Mississippi! Episode Time Stamps   0:04:00 - Film Summary   0:32:45 - Film Background    0:52:24 - The Good 0:59:32 - The Bad 1:11:40 - The Ugly   1:35:45 - Improving the Film