Again With This: Beverly Hills, 90210

Before launching into Season 5 of Melrose Place, we're taking a quick break for something very silly: Thunderdome! You all know Thunderdome from the feature film Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome, right? If not, it's an arena where combatants are sent to fight to the death. So we're engaging in a thought experiment where we throw in 18 90210 side characters, talk through who would probably prevail in several rounds of combat, and eventually winnow the list down to one ultimate champion. Which of your faves (or un-faves) did we select and how will they fare? Listen and find out! JOIN THE AWT CLUB

Obviously, Sydney knows her bargaining position is weak, but she really attempts many different arguments to convince Jane not to follow through on her whole Richard-killing plan. None of them works. A Hail Mary to get JAKE to talk to Jane and urge her not to make any "funky" decisions -- not that she specifies what those might be -- does bring Jake to the design studio just in time to see Jane trying to distract Richard from his (accurate) suspicions about her financial malfeasance by making out with him. So Jake's out on Jane -- and while you'd think that would just cause him to take Alison up on her advances, he's just too good a pal and doesn't want to betray Billy, who's trying even harder to woo Alison back than Alison is trying to seduce Jake. What a mess! Speaking of which: Willowbridge. Amanda and Michael are swiftly apprehended breaking in, but it's no big deal to Betsy, who simply locks both of them AND Peter in a boiler room and lets her staff know that all three of them are going to get lobotomie

Peter is down bad at Willowbridge, but not out: he decides to try to work his magic on the soft-hearted, lonely, apparently horny Nurse Benson (Priscilla Presley!), offering to "make [her] happy," wink, if she'll just help him leave the hospital -- even just for one night! Meanwhile, on the outside, Amanda and (to a much lesser extent) Michael make pretty decent amateur sleuths, as Amanda tracks Kimberly's ATM use to the vicinity of Willowbridge, and the two hit the road in search of their troublesome loved ones. But with Betsy in control of Peter's care and the hospital, will it all be in vain?! Jane happens into a clothing boutique that's about to close, and spontaneously decides she wants to take it over. But when she goes to Michael for some quick cash, trying to guilt him into giving it up, he tells her that actually her sister's the one she should be trying to avenge herself on financially -- you know, because of that whole thing where Sydney drugged and paralyzed her? (That was this season, btw, can yo

Peter gets a lot of bad news right away: Alycia's dead, Kimberly's in the wind, and all evidence points to him as Bobby's murderer. At least he convinces Amanda that he didn't kill her ex, even though she, you know, obviously knows he definitely DID try to kill AMANDA HERSELF. But never mind! He's very pleased when Kimberly appears at his house out of the blue, but despite criticizing MICHAEL earlier for not noticing wild swings in Kimberly's personality, Peter does not interpret the headband and sister-wife dress as representing one of Kimberly's alters. Betsy pretends to agree to corroborate Peter's alibi to the cops, but then enacts her own scheme to get him out of her way. Will amateur sleuths Michael and Amanda crack the case in time? After Alison gets between Richard and Jake (or rather Jake's murderous rage), she manages to talk Jane into meeting with a friend of Alison's at the DA's office (?) about pressing charges against Richard -- and Jane does seem optimistic and energized in Alison's pal's offic

How do you follow up an episode that closed with one partner in a medical practice getting arrested for sexual misconduct while the other -- who was actually guilty of the crime -- was left unconscious and possibly dead from a hammer blow by one of his wife's Dissociative Identity Disorder alters? It seems unlikely but "MELROSE UNGLUED ACTUALLY TOPS IT." Amanda finds a way to buy Peter out of his legal trouble, just as Kimberly decides to kick Michael out of the beach house for his own safety. Bobby accidentally discovers Sydney's new porn-producing sideline, and while she's dismayed that he feels so betrayed by her lies that he doesn't think they can EVER be together now, she doesn't back out of the movie, which is how she's the one to find out -- from Jimmy -- that Vincent wasn't behind the cable company double-cross. Her attempt to use this information to get back in Bobby's good graces does not go the way she had hoped! Jake asks Alison to find out why Jane, who's been stonewalling him, has seemed so dist

Teri has decided to sidestep charges and just sue Peter over the Brandi affair. Almost everyone is telling him to settle -- like Michael, who offers to pitch in, and Alycia, who...is representing him despite their rather recent and quite acrimonious breakup; only Amanda is urging him to defend himself. Perhaps given all this trouble, he's a bit distracted when Kimberly begs for his help with her mental-health issues. Richard has arranged a meeting for himself and Jane with the biggest retailer on the east coast, but Jane is wary of traveling with him to see the client in New York, given her history with Richard. After celebrating a successful pitch together, Richard almost immediately proves her fears were very well-founded. Jo continues worrying about Tyler, involving Matt so that he can connect her with a prof of his who's a child abuse expert. How many boundaries will Jo break to confirm her suspicions about Laurie? Billy is surprised that Alison isn't making herself available to help him with his pitch to

Though we might find it impossible to imagine D&D without Amanda, it seems that her jerk boss Arthur Field doesn't think she's so integral: he still hasn't renewed her contract, even though she's still boning his golden boy Billy and fending off Peter's advances. Stung, Peter agrees to do Kimberly a favor by getting Michael out of town for a few days, and brings him to San Diego to judge a beauty contest (...sure?), where they meet Teri and Brandi, a mother-daughter team (Loni Anderson and Denise Richards!) who are determined to go to any lengths -- sexually speaking -- to assure Brandy's victory in the pageant, despite both doctors' attempts to remain chaste. Meanwhile, Amanda insists to Billy that she doesn't want him to speak up to the board on her behalf, but can he possibly follow such an order, given how he feels about her? Sydney's old friend Laurie (Justine Priestley, as in Jason's sister!) descends on the complex with her son Tyler, looking for a place to crash. Since Sydney is all caught up with

It's time for the social event of the year: the Coastal Advertising Conference! And Billy has been preparing by going being Amanda's back to her boss, Arthur Field ("...Who?" exactly) and lobbying him to let Billy make the keynote speech even though Amanda has done it for the past several years. Amanda decides to spite both Arthur AND Billy by giving the assignment to Alison...and from there things get weirdly complicated and a perfectly nice old lady who used to be on Batman gets hurt in the process. Jane and Jake's relationship is also hitting some snags: Clare still wants to bone Jake even though she's now working for Jane, and though Jo tries as hard as she can not to tell Jake about Jane's tiki torching, she eventually cracks. Rita, a sexy and dangerous biker, joins the party in Kimberly's head, and Peter is not discerning enough to recognize her after two conversations, perhaps because he is not a mental health professional. And as Sydney keeps getting closer to Bobby, he finds her goofy charms harder a

Now that Alycia has succeeded in pushing Bobby out of the company, Peter (whose injuries from that four-foot fall over the railing in the previous episode were not serious) is ready to part ways with Alycia: there's nothing left to scheme about and they don't really like each other. But she isn't ready to let him go, and informs him that buying his way out of both the cable company and their sham relationship will cost him $2 million. Maybe the vodka creep, whom Billy's still sniffing around, is interested in investing in this sector? Meanwhile, Peter spitefully presses assault charges against Bobby, and it falls to Sydney to bail him out and continue hanging around him despite his clear requests that she knock it off. Jake finally finds out about Jane's part in Richard's fashion show disaster and gets drunk and vengeful about it with a random woman he meets at a fashion-industry event...or is she? Kimberly continues to lose time to an increasingly angry Betsy; when Kimberly confides in Peter (still not a psy

It's not only that Billy continues to be the absolute worst -- which he absolutely does. It's that Amanda keeps coming right up to the edge of shutting him down and then doesn't, because even though he's a pig, he's a pig who's bringing work to the agency. This time, his risky gambit is to take a vodka client he and Alison are pitching to get a true "American" experience at a strip club with mud wrestling, and then try to close the client by letting the guy mud-wrestle Alison. And when he steps to Amanda's own marquee client? ...Well, maybe we can forgive her for not reprimanding him since she's got other things on her mind, which we'll get to. The plans for Alan and Val's wedding cause tension between Alan and Matt, which only rises when Alan's doting parents show up, so relieved that the boy they'd been worrying about is not actually Funny or That Way that they're throwing themselves into the wedding festivities with near-evangelical fervor. Matt's attempt to seek comfort from David, apparently his only fri

This plot to bring down Bobby's cable company is turning out to be a real drag for everyone behind it! First Alycia has an attack of conscience about making Bobby look like a mobster when what he wanted most was to go legit. Then Peter hears from Amanda that she's on the company's board of directors, so if Bobby goes down, he might drag her down with him. Will Peter be able to get this scandal train off the tracks before it crushes his beloved?! After Alison sleeps with Billy and THEN tells him she's finished with him as a boyfriend prospect, Billy has nothing but time to launch his own schemes at D&D: he tricks Amanda into agreeing to a gigantic raise if he can successfully pitch an airline client, then bones an employee from a rival agency to find out what they're going to be presenting. And would you believe there's even MORE workplace sabotage on the docket this week? After Jane abandons her own collection, having seen all her inspiration purloined by Richard, she takes advantage of Jo's extremely ext

You know how when you have one ex-wife working for you and then pick back up with the ex-wife you actually haven't divorced yet and this one lets you know she wants you to fire the other one? Well, Michael does! After Kimberly uses her wiles to convince Michael to let Sydney go, Sydney fires back with sexual harassment lawsuits Peter and Michael are kind of forced to take seriously. At the same time, Peter is firming up his relationship with Alycia and getting her further onto his side and against Bobby by telling her the real (or is it) story of his grudge against the Parezis. With Jane and Richard still bitterly fighting as they each prepare for interviews on a fashion TV show, Jo sort of tries to stay above the fray by bringing Jane some of her work from the office...and then accidentally leaves with more than she came with. Billy has apparently exorcised Brooke's spirit, but his bad attitude toward her is still present, and now he's just directing his excessively confident dickishness at his boss, his clo

As we probably all assumed after the last episode, Brooke is not coming back from her fall into the pool. Billy does his best not to let his estranged wife's sudden passing affect his life at all -- with a funeral to plan two days after her death, why wouldn't he still go to work and continue trying to get Alison to sleep with him? -- but it's not up to him: Brooke's restless ghost simply will not leave him alone. Michael, having determined that Kimberly is the right woman for him, won't take any of her many "no"s for an answer, and keeps pressing for them to resume a real relationship and not just keep having sex. Meanwhile, one of Michael's other ex-wives, Jane, turns up the heat with Jake while also soliciting Alison's advice on a pitch to a buyer. Jane then gets so smug about her success that Richard feels obliged to interfere with her deal. Matt is anxious about Alan's new love interest Val (Jeri Ryan!), particularly since Alan's producer has told Matt in so many words to quit being so gay around Alan in

While Sarah takes one more week away, we are thrilled that Heather Cocks and Jessica Morgan of GoFugYourself.com can join us once again.... As Brooke's life rapidly unravels, no one cares except her mortal enemy Alison, who encourages Billy to help Brooke out financially (he does; she refuses) before finding Brooke living in her car and ordering her to come live with Alison instead. Brooke repays this kindness exactly the way you'd expect: by acting entitled to it and taking advantage of her restored proximity to mess with Billy. Peter is now scheming against Bobby on two fronts: in addition to trying to mooch information out of Alycia by dating her, he also hires Sydney for a side gig in sexspionage. Michael and Kimberly find themselves drawn back together by an extremely unlikely plot device. Jane complicates her relationship with Jo by setting up her new design studio in Jake's garage (???), depriving Jo of a parking space for her car. And Matt continues bristling at the restrictions that come with dating

Sarah is out this week spending time with family, so we welcome Heather Cocks and Jessica Morgan -- authors, fashion bloggers, and longtime Melrose Place fans -- as our guest co-hosts.... It's pretty wild how Sydney's choice to abandon a partially paralyzed woman on the beach and leave her at the mercy of the tides has really sent everyone in their orbit into a tizz! Sydney herself is worried that people think she purposely tried to kill Jane and desperately doing damage control. Michael, still not convinced by any of Sydney's stories, contrives a scheme to force Kimberly to tell him the truth about the incident. And Jake is just as attracted to the partially incapacitated Jane as Michael was. But fortunately, Jane is determined never to be as helpless as she was on that beach: she doubles her PT sessions, and even pitches in at the studio to help Richard and his designs land a deal with a distributor! Now that she's on top of the world, what's left for Jane but to start making terrible decisions?! Bobby's fa

Jane's ongoing paralysis storyline basically embroils everyone this week, so let's run down the list. Peter, because Michael has made good on his threat to move out of the beach house as long as both Andrews sisters are there, and is now Odd Coupling it up at Peter's place. Bobby and Amanda, because their story branches off from Peter's. Matt, because Jo has brought him the pills she found in Richard's office to identify. Jake, because suddenly he likes Jane again. And Kimberly, because she was basically the mastermind behind the whole thing, wittingly or not. Folks: it's a lot. But that's not all: we also have the toxic triangle of Brooke, Billy, and Alison. Because of her lingering sense of responsibility toward Brooke due to having technically been her stepmother for five minutes, Alison is letting Brooke walk all over her at work. When Brooke misinterprets a moment between Billy and Alison in the D&D bullpen, things escalate. We hope you are bewitched by our podcast on "Sydney, Bothered & Bewilder

In the aftermath of Brooke's suicide attempt, a guilt-ridden Billy does everything he can think of to fulfill what he thinks are her wishes: he tells her he loves her; he gets rid of Alison; he demands that Amanda give Brooke her job back; he even cleans the bathroom floor! So if Brooke assumes they're fully back on track and that she can resume using him to try to make that baby she needs, who can really blame her? Peter confronts Bobby and Amanda about their New Year's kiss, though the result is probably not what he was hoping. After overhearing Jane, Jo, and Alison discussing who might have drugged Jane, Sydney follows Kimberly's advice to cast suspicion on the OTHER most likely culprit, Richard, by planting her pills in his office. And when Kimberly's not trying to smooth out this situation, she's creating static between Matt and Alan by spilling all the gossip about Matt and Paul. And while Jake thinks he's totally on top of his whole usury deal, Monty the loan shark lets him know that, no, actually, he'

It's about to be New Year's Eve, but not everyone's in a celebratory mood -- like Peter, who's getting sued for malpractice by some patient we don't know. Bobby invites Amanda and Peter to his house in Palm Springs, and though it seems like it'll be awkward with just the three of them there, Amanda rooks Alison into going, too. It's not like Alison has much going on back home: she starts out icing Billy out, some more. But then after Hayley's lawyer Norman tells Brooke that she won't inherit anything unless she has a baby, Brooke has to do some fancy footwork: first, tell Billy (outside the hospital) that she just found out she lost the baby; then tell him she wants to get pregnant again RIGHT AWAY. Billy thinks this plan is kind of creepy, though at least agreeing that Brooke is acting very weird rekindles Billy and Alison's friendship. Then Billy happens to run into Brooke's OB/GYN at the hospital and...well, things don't go well for Brooke from there. It turns out that the medical issue Jane suffered after

Just in time for Jane to decide she should try to mend fences with her antagonists at work, Jo goes soft and asks Richard not to go through with his plans to push her out of the business -- at least not so close to Christmas! Richard agrees, but doesn't consider whether he should put the damning paperwork into a drawer or cabinet that locks. Kimberly continues treating Sydney, giving her actually good advice on how to turn herself into the perfect doctor's wife for Michael; she also prescribes tranquilizers to help Sydney sleep, without talking her through the potential dangers of taking them. Having failed to find anything incriminating on Bobby, the FBI agents on his case try getting at him by intimidating Amanda, only to galvanize her against them and possibly all figures of authority. A trip to the doctor ends in bad news about Brooke's pregnancy, which she can't bring herself to tell Billy. Also present: Matt, Alan, and evidence that Jake is actually putting his loan shark loan to use on business expense

Look, at this point is it even worth trying to figure out what's going on with Kimberly's whole legal situation? Apparently the administration at Wilshire Memorial has given up, because they've agreed to let her work there again -- as a psychiatric intern, but still. The hospital turns out to be the nexus of a lot of new drama: Bobby makes a gigantic anonymous gift, crediting Peter as the rainmaker; and Sydney keeps hanging around trying to determine whether Michael is cheating on her with Jane. Meanwhile, Jane is oblivious about Richard's plans to cut her out of the business, though he might be wavering on those given the sexy dreams he's been having about her lately. All the Armstrongs (plus Billy) return to Los Angeles to bury Hayley, whereupon Brooke finds out about his financial troubles -- and the SEC investigation he's apparently left all his employees to deal with following his death. The reading of his will changes everyone's immediate plans and launches Alison into a tailspin about how he actually f