Speculative Grammarian Podcast

TLAs DOA? TBD!; by Claude Searsplainpockets; From Volume CLII, Number 2, of Speculative Grammarian, March 2007 — In the course of several months of anthropological and linguistic data collection among native speakers of BizSpeak, a degraded and virulent offshoot of English used by mentally deficient holders of MBAs and their ilk, I noted several disturbing trends. (Read by Claude Searsplainpockets.)

Großwortbuch—Book Announcement from Psammeticus Press; by Vürffle Tsyllynda; From Volume CLVIII, Number 3, of Speculative Grammarian, March 2010 (Read by Trey Jones.)

Proto-Indo-Spamopean—An Early Exemplar of “Ye Olde Baite of Yon Clicke”; by X. Kuvador, R. Kialugist, and Pael E. O’Ntolojiss; From Volume CLXXIII, Number 4, of Speculative Grammarian, August 2015 — While many today lament the imminent demise of the English language (Hat 2006), the corrupting influence of western culture (Bolson 2014), and the amorality of advertising and the pursuit of the mighty dollar (Board 2010), it is nonetheless clear to the classically educated scholar (Plaid’oh 2009) that, really, there is nothing new under the sun (van der Meer 2013). (Read by Trey Jones & Jonathan van der Meer.)

Labyrinths & Linguists; by Craig Kopris; From Volume CLXXIII, Number 3, of Speculative Grammarian, July 2015 — While perusing the wax cylinder recordings stored at one of the major archives on the eastern seaboard (which will be left unnamed to protect the reputations of all concerned), I ran across a particular cylinder that caught my attention. Sticking out of one end was the charred remains of a wick. Curious as to why someone would attempt to destroy such a precious object (assuming, of course, that they hadn’t simply mistaken it for a defective candle), I searched the online catalog for more information. Nothing was to be found electronically, so I turned to the old card catalog. I was about to give up hope after searching without success, when I found hidden under the cards a slip of burned paper (perhaps used to light the candle?). (Read by Trey Jones. Performed by The SpecGram Players.)

The Linguistic Placebo Effect; by I. Tinerant; From Volume CLXXI, Number 3, of Speculative Grammarian, November 2014 — Literature Review / Of course it is important, when setting out on an academic adventure, to properly prepare by briefly reviewing the relevant existing literature. A brief review of various studies concerning impact factor shows a clear correlation between interdisciplinarity and tenure-trackedness. A similarly brief review of similarly various studies in the medical literature demonstrates beyond a reasonable doubt that the placebo effect is quite real, and best of all, it works whether you believe in it or not. A somewhat briefer review of somewhat less various psychological studies hints at the idea that the use of electric shocks is correlated with increased citation. (Read by Trey Jones.)

Phonologist’s Shanty; Traditional; From Volume CLXXIV, Number 1, of Speculative Grammarian, September 2015 — What shall we do with the velar nasal? / What shall we do with the velar nasal? / What shall we do with the velar nasal? / Early in the morning. (Performed by Pete Bleackley.)

Chickenese—A Grammatical Sketch; by Damon Lord; From Volume CLI, Number 3, of Speculative Grammarian, July 2006 — Many linguists and animal psychologists have sought to discover if mankind is the sole species to have developed language. Recent experiments with chickens at Foxchester University, in Foxchester, England, have discovered that mankind is no longer alone. (Read by Trey Jones.)

The “Vowel Space” DVD Boxed Set; Advertisement; From Volume CLXXI, Number 4, of Speculative Grammarian, December 2014 — The “Vowel Space” DVD Boxed Set—Available for the first time ever in one collection! (Read by Trey Jones.)

“Language” Characteristics in Certain Higher Primates—(Professors of Education); by Charles Bishop; From Son of Lingua Pranca, November, 1979 — Scientists have long recognized that the average professor of education is remarkably close to man himself in brain capacity and physiology, and we have all marvelled at how human they sometimes appear. Yet these creatures—far more intelligent than the chimpanzees with whom they are often compared—seem unable to use language, and until recently it was assumed that they were incapable of learning any form of true human language. (Read by Les Strabismus.)

On THE Speculative Grammarian; by THE Editor-in-Chief; From Volume CLXXIII, (173) Number 1, of Speculative Grammarian, May 2015 — We are often asked why we don’t use “the” in front of “Speculative Grammarian” in the name of our journal. (Well, that’s a bit generous. Not enough people ask. Many fail to notice, and use “the” without asking. This editorial is a nicer response than having them caned—though that, too, would be fair.) Speculative Grammarian a noun like any other, after all. Many inquire whether we are against determiners for some reason. (Read by Trey Jones.)

Ambiguity In Action: A Bawdy Count; by Norman C. Stageberg; From Lingua Pranca, June, 1978 — One major source of humor is found in the many and various situations of everyday life, both as they occur in actuality and as they are refined and recounted in literature. A second major source of humor is language itself in its many aspects. One of these aspects is ambiguity. This is our subject for today: ambiguity in language and the pranks it plays. (Read by Mark Brierley.)

The Art of the -ome; by Z. En ‘Bud’ Dhist; From Volume CLX, Number 1, of Speculative Grammarian, October 2010 — Despite the fact that, contrary to my expectations, I did not receive a request to be an invited speaker at the CELGA workshop “Perspectives on the Morphome” this month, I thought it important for me to reveal my important work in the important field of -ome-ology (of which the study of morphomes is but a minor, somewhat important component). (Read by Trey Jones.)

A Warning for Linguists; by Keith Slater; From Volume I, Number 2, of Babel, April 1990 — We in linguistics are well-accustomed, by now, to the fact that other disciplines—notably the “hard” sciences—regularly upstage us and grab all the glory in the public eye. Normally, this doesn’t, and shouldn’t, bother us in the least, because aside from the fact that the other guys get most of the NSF grants (to say nothing of the SDI grants) the consequences of this are minimal. They do their thing; we do ours. Everybody gets tenure. Now, however, a movement is underway, particularly among astrophysicists, of which we cannot afford to not sit up and take notice. (Read by Keith Slater.)

Linguistic Emissions Reduction Sought; by SpecGram Wire Services; From Volume CLIII, Number 1, of Speculative Grammarian, September 2007 — Sanaa, Yemen—Tempers flared at global climate talks today, as environmental and linguistic concerns met head-on. The dispute is about so-called “inefficient articulations,” which detractors say increase the metabolic cost of speaking, while offering no linguistic benefit to speakers. These articulations, such as the large transition between the uvular [q] and palatal [i] in the Arabic surname Sadeqi, require more metabolic energy than most other segmental transitions, and are contributing to global warming, detractors say. (Read by Jonathan van der Meer.)

Grammar Cop; by Trey Jones; From Volume CLXXIII, Number 3, of Speculative Grammarian, July 2015 — Theirs know kneed two feere! / Grammer Kop iz hear! (Performed by The 3x3 Men’s Room Chorus.)

Linguistics Nerd Camp—Marsha and Her Thesis; by Bethany Carlson; From Volume CLXI, Number 3, of Speculative Grammarian, April 2011 — Marsha and her thesis made a cute couple, but their friends worried that she was trying to change him. (Described by Keith Slater.)

One Hundred Words for Snowclone; by Claude Searsplainpockets and X. Izthunüblakk; From Volume CLXX, Number 2, of Speculative Grammarian, June 2014 — Any linguist worthy of attending SALT knows of the linguistic myth that eskimos have hundreds of words for snow. There was even some sort of vocabulary-related hoax or other about it back in the day. (Read by Claude Searsplainpockets.)

Current Issues in Gastronomy; by Elan Dresher and Norbert Hornstein; From Lingua Pranca, June, 1978 — The mounting rumours that the noted linguist James D. McCawley has written an annotated translation of a Japanese cookbook on oriental cuisine have proven to be well founded. A usually consistent informant has brought it to our attention that a major American publisher is preparing the final galleys, and the author’s students and friends are already hailing it as an “underground classic”. (Read by Les Strabismus.)

Cartoon Theories of Linguistics—Part 九; by Phineas Q. Phlogiston, Ph.D.; From Volume CLIV, Number 1, of Speculative Grammarian, May 2008 — Lexicostatistics vs. Glottochronology ("Insightful!" ... "Balderdash!") (Described by Keith Slater.)

The ’Trilaa Counting Song; A ’Trilaa Folk Song; From Volume CLX, Number 2, of Speculative Grammarian, November 2010 — ʙ̥ r̥ ʀ̥ ɦ / 1 2 4 8 / ʀ r ʙ ʙ̥͡ʀ̥ ʙ̥͡r̥ / 12 10 9 5 3 (Performed by Trey Jones.)